Partly Cloudy, 64°
All right, kids. I’m here today to dispel some common myths regarding switchblade disposal. Now I don’t want to name names, but I’ve been hearing that a few troublemakers are getting rid of their switchblades in all the wrong places. Municipal dumps. The Finger Lakes. MRI machines. Well, kids, old Uncle Dan is here to nip this in the bud.
POINT: The best way to dispose to dispose of unwanted switchblades is to hurl them violently through the air.
By Daniel Moraff
So take it from me, Uncle Dan: When you’ve got a switchblade that you just don’t want, you hurl that sucker. Really put some elbow into it. Don’t matter where. Upwards of 10 at once if you’ve got the stones. Just like we always say down at the local chapter of People Who Throw Switchblades (The Organization): “Nothing bad will ever result from this thing that we’re doing.”
COUNTERPOINT: Aaah! My leg!
By Alexander Roof
You know, things have been going pretty great for me lately. I’ve got a great wife, three beautiful kids and I just got that big promotion! I’ll admit that my parents were skeptical when I first decided to pursue a career as an internationally-renowned leg model, but hey. If people are willing to pay me big money for detailed close-ups of my left thigh, who am I to judge. Looks like I’ll finally be able to pay for that operation to remove my two-year-old son Timmy’s life-threatening tumor. Things sure are looking up for old Lexie Roof—
Aw, SHIT! My fucking leg! Is that— is that a knife in my leg?! Has that always been there? Because I’m pretty sure that just a few seconds ago when I was talking about my leg there was no knife in it and now— Why, God? Why would somebody … What thought process could possibly lead someone to do this thing that just happened? My career! My—
Oh, no! Timmy!
