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POINT: U.S. Air Strikes Ordered In Response To Growing Terrorist Activity by CNN News Alert
Breaking News today out of the White House. As alleged terrorist activity escalates, the President announces a first wave of air strikes against the target group. CNN war-time analysts assess that this aggressive response has a potential to spark a retaliation akin to another World War. Our news office pushes this urgent and important message to all citizens: be advised to pause any travel for the following weeks as the international airspace has been classified by the Department of National Defense as under an extreme level of terrorist threat. The released statement warns that US commercial aircrafts are prime targets for retaliatory missile strikes. This national emergency is still in development. Stay tuned for notifications of important updates.
COUNTERPOINT: Eating Too Many Grapes Shrunk This Man’s Penis? Here’s Why by CNN News Alert
Breaking News today out of Cherrington, Wisconsin. In a shocking story of national import, Martie Lemmings reported he was eating roughly 247 grapes when he felt a sudden lightness in his crotch region. What initially was an appendage that Lemmings described as “ample and robust,” shrunk by more than 3 inches in length to what can be classified as a micropenis. This is incredibly important news that must be alerted to the masses, as pomegranates were previously the only fruits thought to have a shrinking impact on the phallus. Upon visiting his primary care doctor, who can confirm Lemmings previously possessed a girthy and opulent male member, Lemmings was rushed onto a helicopter and flown to Milwaukee for emergency medical care and testing. Updates are still incoming on this groundbreaking medical news. Stay tuned and alert.
