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The Brown Noser

Paxson Clarifies That Every Student Allowed One Little Kiss On Valentine’s Day

Published Friday, February 5th, 2021

In an email addressed to the Brown community on Wednesday, President Christina Paxson offered clarification on the University’s COVID guidelines, stating that students can each have one little kiss on Valentine’s Day.

“In light of the COVID-19 pandemic, it has been more difficult than ever to stay connected with others, which is why we are allowing students one tiny kiss on February 14,” the email said, adding that, while not ideal, mitigating larger kisses will lessen the chance of a COVID outbreak on campus in the long run. “We believe that brushing lips with one carefully-chosen friend, classmate, or acquaintance will minimize risk without completely denying a standard Valentine’s Day experience to our students.”

“We want to emphasize that long, sensual kisses are not permitted,” Paxson continued, including an infographic where a cartoon bear demonstrated the correct way to give small, pleasant smooches that abide by the stringent guidelines. “If you see your classmates participating in a full-on makeout sesh, or slipping a little bit of tongue in what’s meant to be an innocent peck, we encourage you to report them at the link below.”

“We hope that this new guidance can provide you with a sense of normalcy during the upcoming holiday,” the email concluded, after stressing the importance of limiting kisses to one or two seconds, tops. “Stay safe, and keep those kisses tiny!”

At press time, Paxson was thinking of letting students each have one tiny panic attack on the Main Green to approximate a normal Spring Weekend.

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