After spotting a massive crowd on the Main Green, University President Christina Paxson is incredibly relieved that students are simply celebrating their love of weed and not protesting Brown’s investment in the fossil fuel industry.

“As soon as I saw them outside, I was so sure that these kids were bitching about us enabling the climate crisis again,” said Paxson, peering through a University Hall window to watch hundreds of students congregate on the Main Green. “Thank God they’re just getting high as fuck.”

“I thought I was going to have to release another dumb statement to keep those Sunrise Movement suckers at bay,” added Paxson, inhaling the aromatic aftermath of the entire Brown community lighting up at the same time in the same place. “Fortunately, they’re just exercising their state-specific right to smoke a shit ton of weed in the middle of campus.”

At press time, Paxson was equally relieved that the excessive drumming and shouting coming from outside was just an Impulse dance performance and not a rally for increasing student worker wages.

Article tools

• Print
• Email
• Tweet