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The Brown Noser

Paxson Rushes Into Commencement Five Minutes Late After Alarm Didn't Go Off

Published Friday, April 21st, 2017

Frantically trying to zip up her gown before anyone could see she still had her button down pajama shirt on, Brown University President Christina Paxson hurried into graduation five minutes late after her alarm didn’t go off.

“This is a nightmare,” said Paxson, quickly trying to comb her hair with her hands and checking her reflection in her phone. “I could have sworn I had set an alarm last night. I didn’t even have time to brush my teeth. One of the most important days of my life and I’ve ruined it.”

Sources report that when Paxson finally reached the Main Green she was bouncing on one foot as she tried to kick off her slippers and put on heels. Additionally, some recall seeing her hastily gargling mouthwash and spitting it out into one of the bushes.

At press time, Paxson was quietly apologizing as she tried to squeeze past the Deans and get to her seat on stage unnoticed.

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