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Newly inaugurated President Christina Paxson spoke for an hour Saturday, formally accepting the presidency and laying out a forceful case for the illegal trade of human beings as a major component of the University’s future.
“I am so honored to be here today,” said Paxson. “Brown is truly a place like no other. I am fully in favor of the buying and selling of defenseless children, both at home and with our strategic partners abroad. Thank you, one and all.”
Paxson was met with scattered, slightly confused applause.
“In my work as an economist and as the kingpin of the mid-Atlantic slave trade, I have learned the importance of cooperation,” said Paxson. “I will seek to build coalitions that take advantage of all the knowledge and expertise in our community. I believe everyone at Brown has something valuable to contribute, whether it’s a sibling or just a family friend—and I intend to make that happen.”
“Thank you so much,” said Paxson, gesturing to members of the Corporation as they shifted slightly in their seats. “Thank you for believing in what I do.”
Paxson spoke of her desire to bridge the gap between Brown and Providence. “It’s easy to get caught up in the College Hill bubble,” she said. “Frankly, I don’t know who you’ve been selling to all these years. I’m guessing Thayer Street merchants will shell out for errand boys, but think of the markets available if you just walk down the hill once in a while.”
“Brown can be a vital partner for the city of Providence,” Paxson continued. “Currently, much of the Jewelry District is underutilized. The economy has eliminated jobs and shuttered factories. As a university, just think how many children we could store in those factories.”
“Providence is gifted with a vibrant waterfront and direct shipping routes to markets in Southeast Asia and the Balkans,” she added. “Think about it.”
Student reaction to the speech was favorable, if hesitant. “She seems like she really cares about us, I guess,” said Cheryl Wong ’14. “I thought it was kind of weird when she talking about enslaving all orphans from Connecticut, but I guess she has more experience with this kind of thing. It was very interesting.”
“She’s not quite the same as Ruth,” said Jimmy Mondor ‘13. "I can’t put my finger on it. She seems less warm, somehow. I’ll definitely still put her on one of those Obama-y poster things, but I don’t know, I’ll probably be less excited about it."
Paxson closed her speech with an appeal to the student body. “Kidnap children,” she said. “Strive to better yourselves. Work with your professors. Build your slave dungeons together to save time and conserve energy, securing a sustainable future for all of us. Make friends. Take advantage of the unmarked vans we will provide to all student groups. Don’t make friends with the merchandise, or you might get cold feet. Challenge yourselves. Embrace the open curriculum and human trafficking in direct violation of national and international law. Thank you.”
Paxson then mumbled something about another tuition hike and went off to see about a shipment from Portugal, to general applause.
