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The Brown Noser

Paxson Will Raise Baby Left On University Hall Steps As Her Own

Published Friday, April 29th, 2016

Bending over to pick up the tightly swaddled newborn left on the steps of University Hall, University President Christina Paxson announced plans to raise the baby as her own.

Sources report that Paxson had scurried downstairs in only a nightgown and nightcap after hearing a mysterious, frantic knock. After opening the door to the main green and calling out, “Hello? Anyone there?” into the stormy night, Paxson noticed the cradle left on the steps and rushed to comfort the whimpering infant.

“She’s my responsibility now,” the president said after reading the tattered note safety-pinned to the baby girl’s blanket. “Hush little baby. Welcome to Brown University.”

At press time, a flash of lightning illuminated the Quiet Green just long enough to catch a glimpse of a cloaked figure dashing through the Van Wickle Gates.

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