Partly Cloudy, 64°
Area man Quinn Buckley is sinking in quicksand, but at a rate which is far too slow to be of particular concern for bystanders.
“Ahh! Yikes! Oh, jeez! Someone please get a long pole and a rope to pull me out!” exclaimed Buckley during the event, while onlookers passed by with a great amount of indifference to his slow descent. “I’m gonna die in this quicksand if someone doesn’t put aside what they are currently doing, regardless of priority, and help me get out of this quicksand right now!”
“I can feel the Lord judging me already!” yammered Buckley, as the people standing around him decided that if his ankles were only now beginning to be covered, then calling emergency services was probably way too much effort. “Please, God, be merciful in your weighing of my soul! I ran over a man with my Toyota Corolla in 2011, and nobody ever found out! Oh, God, I’m gonna go to hell, and it’s going to be an eternity of being pulled down by quicksand!"
“That man didn’t deserve to die! He was just walking across the road and I blew through a red!” continued Buckley, the quicksand hardly living up to its name as it pulled him down yet another centimeter, to the huge disinterest of the crowds nearby. "The quicksand is going to pull me in any second now! Please, someone grab my wrists before I get sucked in and can no longer repent for my sins!”
At press time, a man who had just been run over by a steamroller insisted that he didn’t need an ambulance, and that bystanders should just call him an Uber instead.
