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Sources recently found local tortured artist, Aloysius O’Neil, to be a total phony after discovering that he hasn’t even electrocuted his own nipples.
“My pain is my art, and my art is my pain,” lamented O’Neil while revealing his latest artistic project, which paled in comparison to the art he could make if he had the chutzpah to strap a couple jumper cables to his nipples and send 2,400 watts rampaging through his nervous system. “I believe I shall call this newest work, ‘Apocalypse.’ The jet-black brushstrokes represent darkness, and the red speckles represent blood. Taken altogether, it represents the apocalypse within my soul."
“Once the world has seen the depths of my sorrow, Mother Earth’s tears will flow until the world is nothing but vast sea,” continued O’Neil, whose clumsy rhetoric clearly signaled to any discerning listener that he has never felt the searing pain of a high-voltage battery singeing his nipples until they’re reduced to charred pepperoni slices. “Alas, this world is not prepared to witness the bottom of my inky, black heart. It is too pure for me to ruin.”
At press time, O’Neil was reportedly trying to cut off his own ear like a total chump.
