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Artfully raiding the pockets and handbags of unsuspecting pedestrians, local pickpocket Barney Schooner reported that he was mostly in it for the lint.
“When you’ve been picking pockets for as long as I have, you learn to appreciate the little things in life, like lint,” said Schooner, gracefully extracting a phone from a nearby pocket in search of any lint stuck on it. "What can I say? I love lint! Frankly, lint is all it’s about anymore.”
“I love the way different lints feel in my hand. My dream is to feel every type of lint before I retire,” Schooner continued, gleefully clumping together strands of lint before stashing them away in a plastic bag labeled with today’s date. “My favorite is suede lint, but I’m partial to a nice, tightly packed bundle of tweed lint every now and then.”
“I no longer have any desire for worldly possessions like money or phones or car keys,” continued Schooner, tossing a cash-packed wallet into a nearby gutter after not finding any lint on it. “Sure, I pawn those things off, but I use most of that money to buy special jars to store all my lint. It’s very important that my lint is stored properly.”
At press time, Schooner reported that he was also in it for the empty gum wrappers.
