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Centered above a black futon covered in toenail clippings, scary man Bruce Harvey’s newly purchased picture of a naked lady with an albino boa constrictor wrapped around her torso really ties the whole room together, sources confirm.
“That should just about do it,” said the terrifying man as he stepped back to get a better look at the naked tattooed woman next to his mounted samurai sword and nunchuck collection. “It looks great.”
Determining that the albino scales of the boa constrictor perfectly match his worn-out yellow punching bag, Harvey reportedly crossed his vascular arms in satisfaction before smiling at himself in the mirror, showing teeth rotted by chewing tobacco and licorice.
“Oh yes!” said the frightening man while rubbing the new poster with his heavily calloused hands. “I can’t wait to show Bammo what I’ve done with the place.”
Sources confirm that after readjusting his red satin bed sheets and moving the Venus flytraps off the armoire, Harvey splayed out on his bed and looked proudly at the disturbing image of a pale, naked woman sticking her tongue out at the nine-foot snake coiled around her waist.
“Everything in its place,” said the scary man, alarmingly pleased by how the nude woman’s snakebite piercings complement the deadly boa constrictor’s beady eyes. “It feels so good to have a tidy room.”
“I’ll key Bammo’s truck if he lays a finger on my pretty picture!” added Harvey, suddenly enraged.
At press time, Harvey tucked his rattail into his combat helmet before walking outside to check the mailbox for new issues of the scary things he’s subscribed to.
