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Following a great and lengthy deliberation, every student enrolled in Professor Jane Burwich’s “Politics, Campaigns, and Elections” course is now absolutely certain that presidential candidate Mitt Romney is a giant douchebag.
The students reached their conclusion after several days of hard, unrelenting political debate, and each student now hates the Republican candidate equally. During class, however, students stressed that they have no partisan bias, and are simply examining the facts.
“I’m not biased at all,” said Undergraduate Council of Students Vice President, Aurora Smith ‘13. “I’m not even a Democrat. I honestly just agree with Obama and disagree with Romney.” Smith then suggested that Romney “just quit because everyone hates him,” and added an impassioned “Obama 2012” before taking her seat.
“I don’t hate Mitt Romney just because he’s a Republican,” said Shana Gray ‘14. “It’s just that his tax plan is literally mathematically unsound.”
“Also, he’s a fascist,” Gray added.
Other students frequently expressed similar certainties, deriding Romney’s beliefs regarding immigration, education and campaign finance reform. Students also chastised the candidate for being homophobic, secretly racist, and quite possibly insane.
“If Romney’s elected, he’ll ask that illegal immigrants self-deport themselves,” said John Basques ‘16. “That’s messed up! Also, just saying, it’s pretty obvious that he hates blacks. Just look at him.”
Romney’s stance on marriage equality was also controversial. Andy Cull ’15 gave an especially poignant speech about his desire to one day marry the person he loves, whoever that may be, before jumping into an attack on Romney for nearly every facet of his being, including his choice of spouse, his “dad-jeans”, and his “big, ugly head.”
“Even the cameramen during his speeches are bad,” added Cull, who soon thereafter led the class in the chanting of “Romney sucks."
Feminist issues were perhaps the most volatile during classes, as many of the women feel that Romney does not understand their perspective. “Women need to realize that Mitt Romney will literally tear out their vaginas if he wins,” said Willow Hall ‘13. "He’s a total dickhead."
A class poll revealed that 100 percent of students find Mitt Romney to be a “lying, shit-eating fuck-rag.” Come Tuesday, should Romney win the election, the students in POLS 0231 will “definitely be moving to Canada.”
