Friday, November 24, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Prankster Grandpa Asks For Ashes To Be Scattered On Grandson While He Sleeps

Published Friday, November 3rd, 2017

Local resident Jacques Claremont, whose father passed away this summer, has released his dad’s wish for his ashes to be scattered on Jacques’ son, Sam, while he sleeps.

“My father was such a loving and funny man,” said Jacques, watching Sam take a nap and wondering if it would be a good time to pour a full vase of powdery human remains on the fourteen-year-old boy. “He loved showing his grandkids that, even in old age, he could make a good joke, that he had never lost his sense of humor. I feel like this prank might honor that legacy.”

The elder Clark Claremont had a reputation as a local prankster, primarily targeting the young Sam Claremont whenever his family visited. “Just two months ago, that man put a live tarantula in my backpack,” recalled Sam earlier, who appeared unappreciative of being mentioned in his grandpa’s will. “I thought it would end, but somehow he’s managed to torment me from the grave.”

“I mean, I have no other choice but to fulfill his last wish,” said Jacque Claremont, separately. “He planned it out beautifully—telling me to focus on pouring ashes over my son’s face, then to place a mirror in front of the bed, so Sam can react to seeing himself covered in the old man’s bodily remains.”

“I just hope to do him proud,” continued Claremont, now preparing to carry out a favor for his light-hearted father. “That smile on his face whenever he got Sam to pee himself or trip on grease in the bathroom…priceless. I can only imagine him chuckling down at us as his cold, dry ashes rain down on my boy.”

At press time, Sam Claremont was heaving and convulsing in disgust after getting to be a part of a man’s heartwarming and emblematic last wish.

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