Brown University President Christina Paxson was outraged in recent weeks to learn that the lacrosse team has been throwing parties she wasn’t invited to.

“This behavior is reckless and irresponsible,” said President Paxson in a campus-wide email. “And obviously the guest list was assembled without regard to my feelings. Parties to which I’m not invited are inappropriate and tone deaf at a time like this."

“I am very grateful to the vast majority of Brown students who are following all of the necessary health protocols,” continued Paxson. “I am even more grateful for the people in my life that I can count on, and I think it’s time for me to take a good, hard look at who I’m spending my time with and why. Sincerely, Christina H. Paxson.”

At press time, President Paxson was cracking down on remote students who moved to off-campus apartments in Providence without even telling her.

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