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President Donald Trump has announced plans for his eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., to become America’s 51st state.
“This is a historic moment for America,” President Trump boasted as he weaved through a convoluted speech outlining the economic benefits of Don Jr. statehood. “But for Don Jr., this achievement was never in doubt. Don Jr. is a great son, a successful husband, and so very handsome—not as handsome as me, but a state can’t be president, not even one as good looking as me.”
“With a diverse geography spanning from head to toe, Don Jr. has vast natural resources, including oils, waxes, and furs,” continued Trump, actively signing a mandate for every American flag to have one more star that is bigger than all the other stars. “Once a state, Don Jr. will be home to the nation’s largest underground cave system, its third highest peak, and 7th largest inland freshwater body.”
“Don Jr. has assured me he has a big, beautiful plan for the 51st state to solve America’s immigration crises. He will implement a first-of-its-kind sanctuary state policy specifically designed to protect America’s undocumented Latina women,” President Trump explained, ceremonially cutting a big red ribbon tied around Don Jr. with a comically large pair of scissors. “We have thousands of women who are frankly too beautiful to send back. Don Jr. will be a perfect new home."
At press time, Eric Trump’s Don Jr. Senate campaign faltered after failing to obtain the necessary signatures to become the capital city.
