Sources inside the palace report that Princess Carina of Varenport has entered minute seven of her descent down the majestic staircase that leads to the ballroom, smiling coyly the whole way. “The princess!” announced one onlooker for the eleventh time, provoking an eleventh collective hushed chattering that has continued to the present moment. Remarks on her flowing gown and radiant smile could be heard as Carina began to traverse the half-mile of stairs, pausing for tens of seconds on every individual step. Her inexorably slow pace only served to accentuate the glitter of the candlelight against the literal thousands of tiny gemstones embroidered into her gown. At press time, the royal doctor had determined that Prince Edward of Elkland’s jaw had dropped permanently.

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