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Professor of History Malcolm Benjamin, the world's leading scholar of military warfare in World War I, was purportedly frustrated when Elsie Hansen '13, a student in HIST1420: "The Great War," compared the four-year struggle between the Allies and the Central Powers to the Monday night television show "Gossip Girl."
During a lecture last Wednesday about the system of alliances that led to World War I, Hansen equated the second deadliest war in Western history to a TV show noted for its highly fashionable characters.
"When you say that Britain and France allied for mutual protection against expansionist Germany," Hansen began, "Isn't that just like that episode of Gossip Girl where Blair and Serena decide to stick together even though Serena had just totally slept with Blair's boyfriend Nate?"
This idea provoked a murmuring of interest from the class and a minute of thoughtful beard-stroking from the professor.
"Such a theory has never before been proposed in 'The Journal of American History,'" said Benjamin, impressed. "Please continue, Ms. Hansen. Against whom are Blair and Serena uniting? The disloyal boyfriend, Nate? Does he represent Germany?"
Hansen shook her head. "They're uniting against the Humphreys, who are from Brooklyn and yet encroaching on the territory of the Upper East Side by attending the Constance Billiard School and shopping at Barney's," she explained.
"I mean, remember when the Austro-Hungarians invaded Serbia," Hansen asked her classmates. "That's just like Dan and Serena's first date!"
"What an amazing modern-day parallel," said Benjamin, who was later seen making a note in his day planner to catch up on the episodes of "Gossip Girl" he missed while grading midterms.
Hansen had the pleasure of basking in her professor's admiring gaze - until a new episode of "Gossip Girl" aired Monday night.
According to Benjamin's wife, the professor was fifteen minutes into the episode when the shouting began.
"This is nothing like World War I!" he yelled. "Dan Humphrey is totally going to hook up with Blair Waldorf, which throws the foundation of alliances completely out of balance!"
Benjamin vowed to draft an email to Hansen overturning her erroneous theory. But when he opened his inbox, a message from Hansen already awaited him.
"Dear Professor," Benjamin read in horror, "I was wondering if I could discuss my essay topic with you at office hours tomorrow. I want to write a paper about how the Ottoman Empire's entrance into the war in 1914 is just like when Georgina comes to New York and tries to convince Dan that he's the father of her baby."
"No!" Professor Benjamin screamed at his computer. "Foolish girl, haven't you seen the latest episode? If you want to see a real system of alliances, go watch 'Mean Girls.'"
