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The Brown Noser

Provost Locke Furiously Shaking Magic 8-Ball to Finalize COVID Response Plan

Published Friday, September 25th, 2020

Sources report that Provost Richard Locke is currently locked in his bedroom, furiously shaking a Magic 8-Ball to finalize Brown’s COVID response plan.

“Will students be allowed to come back onto campus in October?” Provost Locke said, sweat dripping down his face as he shook the ball. “What do you mean, ‘ask again later’? When should I ask? WHEN?!”

According to Locke’s feverish mumblings, the Magic-8 Ball has been appointed as Senior Advisor to the Healthy Fall Task Force.

“Ok, but what about the first-years? Will they be able to return next semester? Please, wise one, enlighten your humble servant,” asked Locke while curled into a ball on his bedroom floor. “Will we be able to play sports in the spring? Will graduation be remote again? Does the haircut I gave myself actually look good? Tell me! Tell me, oh glorious oracle!”

At press time, Provost Locke, with tears in his eyes, had quietly whispered “Does CPax think I’m cool?” to the Magic 8-Ball.

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