Sunday, September 25, 2022
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The Brown Noser

Provost Locke’s New Apple Job Giving Brown Students Hope They Too Can Sell Out One Day

Published Friday, September 16th, 2022

Sources report that Provost Richard Locke’s recent career transition to the new Vice President and Dean of Apple University is giving Brown students hope that they’ll also be able to sell out one day.

“It’s truly an inspiration,” stated Nick Grainger ‘25 as he read a Brown Daily Herald article about Locke leaving his role at Brown. “Before, I thought academia meant that I was doomed to a life of service and devotion to the betterment of young minds. Now, I know it’s okay to sell out for a large sum of money. This is such a relief!”

Locke plans on making the move to Apple University at the end of 2022. In his new role, he’ll have the pleasure of never again having to interact with someone who enjoys classics or wants to talk about Foucault.

“I’m happy for Provost Locke. Now, he’s pursuing his true passion of being a part of the corporate machine, and isn’t that the point of a liberal arts experience?” said Grainger, sending applications to Facebook and Lockheed Martin. “Maybe someday, I’ll find an even bigger drain on society to be a part of!”

At press time, Grainger was seen dropping his seminar, Intergenerational Poverty in America, in favor of Investments I.

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