This Friday, Freshman David Bowers decided it was time to shave his pubes before going out since you never know what might happen.
“I’ve gotta be all spruced up down there for all the sex I’m gonna have because I’ll be having sex, because I have sex,” said Bowers, who in fact would not be having any sex.
“The itchiness for the next few days won’t matter because I’ll be too busy getting laid,” added Bowers, who definitely just gave himself razor burn. “I’ve gotta be as aerodynamic as possible.”
Bowers’ roommates reported loud buzzing noises, as well as the occasional yelp, emanating from the bathroom.
“The hot babes at the Computer Science formal aren’t gonna be ready for all this,” Bowers said, despite the fact that he would go on to speak to zero women throughout the entire night. “Just gotta spray on some Axe real quick, and then I’ll be ready to go.”
At press time, Bowers was filling his pockets with condoms he would never end up using.

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