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The Brown Noser

Report: Middle-Aged Women Increasingly Using Match.com to Find Partners in Crime

Published Friday, December 9th, 2016

According to a report released by researchers at the University of New Hampshire last week, an increasing number of women aged 35 to 48 have been using Match.com, a popular dating website, to find partners in crime.

Sources report that these women’s profiles are filled with lists of their favorite movies, names of their pets, and requests for accessories in what are suspected to be attempted violent crimes.

This new development suggests that Match.com is taking steps to expand its audience. Middle-aged women that once had to find partners in crime through mutual friends, wait for chance encounters, or perhaps just resolve to rob a bank on their own now have the online option, previously unavailable to them.

“You know, at first, I was hesitant. I thought that only losers find partners through the internet,” said Sally Hemmings, a mother of two and local PTA chair. “But it is the twenty-first century, and all of my friends had told me great things. Honestly, it felt like my window for staging that heist was closing, and I needed to find a partner fast!”

“Honestly, I’d describe myself as very down-to-earth,” said another Match.com user Jennifer Galloway, whose profile listed her hobbies of her cats, yoga, trying new restaurants, and grand larceny. “Yes, I’m looking for someone with a federal firearms license and an inconspicuous, yet fast getaway car. But I’m also looking for love.”

The report concluded by admitting that further study is needed to confirm the correlation between violent crimes committed in the past year and enjoying long walks on the beach.

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