Sources close to the North Pole report that, over the past twelve months, Santa got hot as hell. “You’re gonna notice a lot of big changes in Saint Nick this year,” said one of Santa’s elves, Snickerdoodle, who quickly clarified that Santa will be delivering presents as usual, he’ll just be hot now. “It’s got everyone here at the workshop reeling. Because everyone else only catches a glimpse of him once a year, a lot can change between sightings. And his look has usually stayed the same, but this year is different because he got hot. He’s been going to the gym, he started buying clothes that fit him better, he trimmed his beard. It’s a totally new Kris Kringle.” Snickerdoodle went on to announce that Rudolph is jacked now, too.

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