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Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced his intentions to stop adding fluoride to public water supplies and begin adding heroin instead.
“Public health in the United States is currently in a terrible state. We have far too many seed oils in our foods, dangerous vaccines in our blood, and toxic fluoride in our drinking water,” Kennedy said, adjusting his tinfoil hat. “And on the flip side, Americans aren’t getting enough of certain things: exercise, sunlight, and especially heroin.”
“The obesity epidemic is at an all time high. This is in large part due to the fact that people of all ages are bloated with fluoride,” said Kennedy as he fended off a horde of angry dentists. “But you know what would help people lose some weight? A healthy dose of heroin in every sip of tap water. Then every American can be at an all time high.”
At press time, RFK Jr. announced his plans to distribute a brain worm to every American.
