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The Brown Noser

RIPTA Automated Bus-Voice To Begin Screaming During Really Hard Turns

Published Friday, September 15th, 2017

RIPTA officials announced yesterday that buses will now automatically scream phrases such as “AGH!” and “Oh shit!” when making difficult turns.

“Due to how successfully our “bus is turning” announcement has notified the public about bus turns, RIPTA will now use terrified screams of “Move! Move! Move!” and “Coming in hot!” to warn drivers and pedestrians if the bus driver is going to try a turn that could be dangerous,” RIPTA CEO Ray Studley announced yesterday.

Studley explained that buses will also notify the public of completed turns, yelling, “You see that! Tell me everyone saw that!” and “Damn right that’s how you turn a bus!”

Studley went on to say that, in order to limit liability for small accidents and protect bus drivers, buses will automatically yell “No one saw anything!” or “It’s their fault for parking weird!” if they collide with other vehicles.

The press release also announced that RIPTA will work to decrease unsafe driving in Rhode Island by programing busses to yell phrases such as “Nice turn signal, asshole!” and “Tailgate me closer, I dare you.”

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