Sunday, November 29, 2020
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The Brown Noser

Ratty Alternative Meal Just Beginner’s Guide To Foraging Wild Mushrooms

Published Friday, October 30th, 2020

Sources report that the alternative meal option at the Ratty is just a beginner’s guide to foraging wild mushrooms.

“I guess I’m supposed to gather my own mushrooms for lunch,” said junior Adam Kensington, who ordered an alternative meal expecting the usual simple starch and boiled chicken. “When I went to the Ratty today to pick up lunch, all they gave me was a weathered, leatherbound manual full of facts about wild mushroom phylogeny.”

“The book had detailed diagrams of all the mushrooms native to Brown University with instructions on how to acquire them,” explained Kensington, examining the guide’s intricate drawings of New England fungi. “The lady behind the counter also handed me a faded topographical map to help navigate the campus on my hunt.”

“I spent about an hour crawling around in the dirt near Bajas looking for shiitakes, but no luck,” recounted a discouraged Kensington, casually rooting around under a bush on the Quiet Green. “I found a couple of portobello-looking mushrooms at Faunce that looked mildly edible, so I nibbled on those for a while. I gave up after that and spent the rest of lunch reading about the cultivation process for Pleurotus ostreatus.”

At press time, the Ratty was issuing truffle-sniffing pigs and oxen-drawn wagons for their “winter harvest” inspired vegan meal.

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