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Sources inside the Sharpe Refectory confirm that the lunch date between those two students is not going well at all.
“The way he pulled out her chair for her was pretty cute, but it’s gone downhill from there,” reported Sally Caldwell ’16, seated at a table to the right of the couple. “Wait, is he—is he miming his golf swing? Yup, just going for it. Yikes.”
Diners at the table directly to the left agree that the rendezvous was doomed as soon as the male student, identified as one Harold Menkin ’15, made a trip for fries even after waiting in the noon-rush Bistro line, leaving his date, whom several students think may be Mary Collins ’15.5, to pick at her pumpkin ravioli alone.
“20 minutes in and she’s talking about her exes,” added Jerica Harrison ‘17, who’s at the Ratty mostly to study. “And he’s already through his fourth glass of Orange Guava Passionfruit juice, which is just never good news.”
Jed White ’14, out in the field table-slipping for the upcoming Talkapella concert, was able to get the inside scoop. “I was close enough to see that both of them were just pretending to text on their phones,” he reported. “Both of them. I laid the slip down and got the fuck out of there.”
At press time, residents of the table to the left of the couple were taking bets on whether Menkin or Collins would be the first to make up an excuse to leave, and whether it’d be a class, a meeting, or just “studying.”
