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According to dining hall sources, the Ratty drink machine is out of absolutely everything except Sugar-Free Diet Lemon-Lime Coke Zero.
“I went over to the drink machine to get a Sprite only to find that it was completely out of Sprite, and the only thing they had was Sugar-Free Diet Lemon-Lime Coke Zero,” said sophomore Bradley Burton, pressing frantically on the grayed out icons of every notable soda brand. “All I wanted was something to drink with my lunch. Is that too much to ask?"
“Somehow the drink machine is even out of water,” Burton continued, despondently eyeing his empty cup. “And ice? What the hell? The machine just makes this annoying whirring noise like it’s about to break down.”
“Well, I guess I’ll just try the Sugar-Free Diet Lemon-Lime Coke Zero,” said Burton, watching morosely as the machine spurted a mix of every color of syrup. “Here goes nothing.”
At press time, the Ratty coffee machine didn’t even have watered-down decaf coffee.
