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The Brown Noser

Ratty To Replace Compost Bins With Dad Who'll Finish Whatever You Don't Eat

Published Friday, October 25th, 2019

According to an announcement from Director of Dining Services John Barber, the Ratty will replace all its compost bins with a dad who’ll finish whatever you don’t want to eat.

“Instead of disposing of food waste in compost bins, we’re transitioning to a fully dad-based system,” Barber said, explaining how the dad would be conveniently positioned where the four compost bins once stood. “Whatever you don’t feel like finishing, just give it to dad. He’ll take care of it for you.”

The dad, who already had a meal of his own, will eliminate food waste in the Ratty altogether by just eating whatever’s left on your plate after you’re done, Barber explained. “There’ll be no leftovers at all, because dad says nothing should be thrown away.”

Sources report that the dad also scolds students for leaving too much food on their plates. “If you’re wasting a ton of food, dad will get visibly irritated with you,” Barber said, adding that the dad often chides students with phrases like, “What, you’re not gonna finish all that? Well then why did you take it?”

At press time, the dad was making students finish their own pizza crusts.

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