Tuesday, December 18, 2018
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The Brown Noser

Recent Oil Spill in Providence River Has Gotten People Pretty Excited for the Next WaterFire

Published Friday, December 1st, 2017

After dozens of barrels of oil fell from the back of a tanker truck into the Providence River last week, people are now really looking forward to seeing what goes down at the next WaterFire.

“Honestly, WaterFire was starting to get a little bland,” said local librarian Kristine Hoffmann. “I mean, you can only stare stationary flames with weird background music for so long- hopefully this spill will spice things up.”

Awareness of the potential for a fire-heavy WaterFire has quickly spread amongst excited residents of the city, with many counting down the days until that first lick of flame makes contact with the massive oil slick.

“Just imagine what’ll happen to all those gondolas when the fire starts to really roar,” pointed out Barry Catlow, a longtime resident of Providence and grandfather of four. “You’d better believe that I’m bringing all of my grandkids to witness it.”

At press time, a crowd of Providence residents were spotted tossing sticks of dynamite into the river in an effort to make things a little more interesting.

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