Partly Cloudy, 64°
Sources from the Red Cross Headquarters have indicated that at least one worker has been praying for a devastating earthquake in a vacation hotspot.
“I’m stressed! I need a break! I think it’s only fair that I can go to someplace with a beach, warm weather, and a resort—ooh a resort, that would be nice—instead of, like, freezing my ass off in Ukraine,” stated disaster response member Tracy Dibbs while circling tropical countries on a map that she wished would get obliterated in a Category 5 hurricane. “Shit happens! And if shit happens in, let’s say, Cabo, I’d certainly feel a lot better.”
“Lord, I don’t ask for much. I help people, like, all the time! But this one thing—it’s so easy—can’t you just, like, destroy the livelihoods of the people I want?” whispered Dibbs, scrolling through pictures of beaches on Google. “I’m not saying I’m hoping that millions lose their homes… but the bigger the disaster, the more likely it is they’ll send me out!”
At press time, Dibbs was seen punching a wall after receiving news of a terrible earthquake in Siberia.
