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In an exciting new report from polls across America, researchers overwhelmingly conclude that we all forgive you, Richard Nixon.
“We’re not mad at you anymore! And actually we feel really bad about the way we’ve been treating you,” wrote political researcher Frankie Shean, forgiving Nixon for the Watergate scandal. “People can change, and being hateful about something from the past really has no place in America, so we forgive you. While it is true that you made a couple mistakes throughout your life, research says that we actually all make mistakes every once in a while, so you shouldn’t let it get you down.”
According to personal testimonies and wiretapping from thousands of people from every demographic, most people seem to agree with Shean. “I think that you did a few bad things, but I’m not so stubborn as to hold that against you, Richard,” said construction worker Davis Bridge, forgiving Nixon for inflation. “Nobody’s perfect, and it was unfair of us to expect that from you for so long. No matter a person’s class or creed or identity, it seems that we are all united in our recent but unanimous choice to forgive you and wish you the best."
At press time, America was not yet ready to forgive Gerald Ford for his pardoning of Richard Nixon in 1974.
