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One year into the global pandemic, it can be conclusively stated that the apocalypse was not nearly as cool as Imagine Dragons made it sound.
“I thought I would be ‘waking up to ash and dust’ but instead I was waking up to my mom asking me to vacuum the kitchen before my online econ final,” said Junior Fryla Hargins. “And the only thing I was ‘breathing in’ was my own hot breath bouncing off my mask.”
The actual apocalypse entirely lacked the dystopian aesthetic of the band’s multi-platinum single ‘Radioactive,’ sources reported. There were no sandstorms, radioactive meltdowns, or platform boots. Instead, Judgement Day was characterized by an incredible lack of Mad Max-style war.
“I kind of feel like I’ve been lied to,” continued Hargins, angrily swapping her gas mask and hazmat suit for an N-95 and a pair of slippers. “I thought there was going to be a revolution, but even the mid-apocalypse coup d’etat was the worst.”
At press time, it was decided that the apocalypse wasn’t like Rage Against the Machine or My Chemical Romance, but like Bruno Mars’ 2011 hit ‘The Lazy Song.’
