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The Brown Noser

Report: Awww! New Campus Therapy Dog Just Tore Apart That Squirrel

Published Monday, October 31st, 2022

Sources on the Main green report that, awwwwww, an adorable new campus therapy dog is tearing apart a squirrel with his teeth.
“Awww, look how cute she is!” re- marked student Jane Whitaker, watching teeth-bearing therapy dog Elvy bound after a traumatized squirrel. “Elvy is such a professional during our therapy sessions together, so it is so nice to see her unwind and just be a dog for a little while.”
“Therapists have to deal with their trauma, too, and this is such a healthy outlet for her,” said Whitaker, proudly watching Elvy skin and decapitate the corpse of her latest victim before licking her chops clean. “Maybe this meal will revitalize her energy for our next session together.”
“This semester got really tough after my parent’s divorce, but Elvy has been helping me get through it,” said Whitaker, tenderly wiping blood from the dog’s whiskers. “During these tough times, just being in the presence of such a loving, sweet animal makes a huge difference. She always lets me have a hug when I need one.”
At press time, Elvy was playing fetch with students while keeping a close eye on a nest of newly hatched baby birds.

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