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The Brown Noser

Report: Burt’s Bees Not Actually Made From Real Bees. Just Burt.

Published Friday, March 8th, 2019

A consumer advocacy group released a report today revealing Burt’s Bees chapstick is not actually made from real bees. In fact, the wax in the product all comes from Burt Davidson, a 64-year-old retired beekeeper.

“Our suspicions began during a routine quality test,” reported scientist Dr. Sarah Shirley. “Oddly enough, there was absolutely no beeswax in the sample, just a lot of human DNA. We had it tested, and it all came from the same person: Burt Davidson. We found a picture and contact info. Turns out, he’s that grizzly man on the label.”

The revelations are a public relations disaster for the skin-care company, which has long touted its commitment to premium ingredients and sustainable practices.

“For me, part of the appeal of Burt’s Bees was the transparency,” longtime customer Jessica Hayes lamented. “The ingredients were just a few things that I could pronounce. I mean, I can pronounce Burt, but this just doesn’t seem ok.”

As of press-time, news outlets were breaking the news that most Mike and Ike candy is made entirely from a guy named Mike.

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