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Despite the common belief of crystals being all-powerful in the improvement of daily life, a recent study found that crystals are powerless against fixing a shitty personality.
“Crystals have many legitimate powers, like healing, energy channeling, relaxation,” said crystal enthusiast Jasper Gillette, unaware that his spiritual pebbles do have their limits when faced with his terrible character. “There’s really nothing that that a crystal can’t fix.”
“I trust whole-heartedly in the healing abilities of my crystals. It’s why I don’t believe in therapy,” continued Gialletti, donning a giant selenite necklace that will be completely futile against his asshole ways. “Self-improvement should come from without. Like crystals!”
“I carry my crystals around at all times. This is amethyst, tiger’s eye, rose quartz, and malachite,” said Gialletti, showing off his pouch of useless rocks that will never fix his dog-shit personality. “I like to have them close at hand so I can give them to my waiters as their tip. I know it will help them find their peace.”
A later study discovered that mediums can’t fix that your grandfather was a miserable slob when he was alive.
