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According to a recent report, there is a distinct lack of freshmen hanging by their underpants from the flagpole this year.
“This campus is really nothing like it used to be,” said Walter Williams, Class of ‘65, looking at the young students walking fearlessly around campus, orientation lanyards swinging proudly from their necks and underwear securely tucked in their pants. “Back in my day, if you wore an outfit like that one, you were getting a shakedown and were losing your lunch nickels. No lunch for you that day!”
“Yeah, you really learn a thing or two after you get ‘swirlied’ for the first time,” added Walters, fighting to hold his tongue as a newcomer, who looked particularly unwedgied, walked by following Google Maps to his class. “It builds character. These kids have no resilience these days because they just aren’t suspending them by their underpants like they used to! Some of these kids need someone to teach them that life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.”
At press time, Williams was asking if they even still have lockers to shove kids into these days.
