According to a recent report, that doctor’s office aquarium fish knows your medical history and isn’t constrained by doctor-patient confidentiality. “We realize the position this puts our patients in, but we have no way to make him take the hippocratic oath and he knows too much now to take him back to the pet store,” stated Chief of Medicine Catherine Amali, aware that the big orange office parrotfish knows that you were in the 14th percentile for height in your age group when you were 15 years old and that he doesn’t have any moral code stopping him from using that information against you if the time ever comes. “All we can do is keep him here and hope he exercises discretion with our patient’s personal information.” At press time, the cat in the bodega saw your pin when you typed it in and can’t be prosecuted for fraud.

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