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The Brown Noser

Report: Dog Named Elizabeth Knows How You Die

Published Friday, September 16th, 2022

Dog park visitors were alarmed this weekend after meeting a dog named Elizabeth who is cursed with the knowledge of how you die.

“Turbo, Jinx, and the other dogs wouldn’t go near Elizabeth. It’s like they could smell that there was something wrong with her,” said Flora Wills, frequent dog park goer, staring soberly into Elizabeth’s pensive, crusty eyes. “She didn’t even try to socialize with the other dogs, she just stood melancholically and locked her sorrowful gaze on me and the other owners."

“It was like she knew something about me that even I didn’t know,” added Wills as she explained that Elizabeth is clearly burdened by knowledge far beyond human understanding. “Poor thing looks like she has never known joy.”

At press time, Elizabeth refused to chew on a bone left by another dog and instead stared at it as though pondering the body to which it once belonged.

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