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The Brown Noser

Report: Grandpa No Longer Passes The Turing Test

Published Friday, September 16th, 2022

After years of steady cognitive decline, 89-year-old John Bleat officially no longer passes the Turing Test.

“I began when I awoke, completed a variety of tasks and ate three meals as I do every day,” said Bleat when asked by his grandson how his day had been, his response failing to give any indication that he has more natural communication skills than a computer program. “The meals included bread, dairy products, proteins.”

“Today I was sad because I learned of a personal tragedy that had befallen me,” Bleat said when asked how he was doing, demonstrating an emotional intelligence level similar to that of a Webkinz. “After crying for a normal amount of time I felt better and moved on with my day.”

“Play the news with that anchor I like. The charming one with the glasses who does the news,” Bleat said when asked whether he wanted to watch the news, suggesting his memory processing capacity is roughly that of a Club Penguin puffle. “He often reports world news but also non-world. I don’t remember his name. Maybe Adam.”

At press time grandma couldn’t figure out which squares in the grid had a stop sign in them.

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