Partly Cloudy, 64°
According to reports from the Pew Research Center, that anxious-looking guy at your party should try drinking until he gets cool.
“Oftentimes, people with social anxiety can feel pressured to drink. That is a good thing,” said Dr. Francis Gray before shotgunning a can of Natty Lite and tossing it into the trash can from across the room. “It’s your body telling you to stop being a little wuss and start being a little awesome.”
“Most people have a tiny voice in their head that is full of insecurities: ‘What if my friends don’t like me? What if people think I’m a loser because I can’t do a keg stand?’ and so on. These are common fears,” continued Dr. Gray, whose desk is just a beer pong table. “But if that tiny voice is filled with beer, it tends to learn its place.”
At press time, another report indicated that asthmatic people should vape until they become normal.
