Wednesday, July 17, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Report: It Warm Enough To Stop Blaming Your Depression On The Cold

Published Friday, April 19th, 2019

According to a report by the American Meteorological Society, it is officially warm enough to stop blaming your depression on the cold.

“The season of seasonal depression is over,” said AMS President Zachary Steems. “We’re seeing 65-degree highs almost every day. At this point, it can’t be the weather that’s making you sad.”

“As summer approaches, your hair might get lighter, but it doesn’t mean your thoughts will,” Steems added. “You’ll have to start blaming it on something else. Like your awful commute or your mediocre job or your lifelong regret of never finishing your romance novel. Whatever it is, it isn’t the cold.”

At press time, Steems announced that the approaching thunderstorm does not justify your explosive anger.

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