Friday, November 16, 2018
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The Brown Noser

Report: It’s True, RISD Students Are 500% Cooler Than You, Don’t Even Look At Them, You Worthless Scum

Published Friday, October 26th, 2018

A recent report put out by researchers at Brown University has verified suspicions that RISD students are 500% cooler than you.

“It’s true,” confirmed lead researcher Dr. Ann-Marie Buegler, “RISD students are just in a completely different league. They are biologically wired to take one look at you, and immediately know that your depressingly mediocre style is complete garbage.”

The study found that even if you are 30% cooler than your fellow Brown students, RISD students are still 470% cooler than you, and that’s not much better.

“In fact,” added Dr. Buegler, “When you pass a RISD student in the street, or encounter one in class, you shouldn’t even look at them. Don’t make them have to devote any of their precious attention to you.”

“After our comprehensive data collection and statistical analysis," she said in conclusion, “There’s just no way to get around it: they are so cool, and you are the scum of the earth.”

“And they can smell your insecurity, you piece of trash.”

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