Maria's articles
Socially liberal but fiscally conservative student Tyler Williams ’20 reportedly hates poor people, loves gay people, and feels ambivalent poor gay people.
“Let me break it down for you,” Williams said, laying out his worldview. “Gay people? Great.
A television advertisement that Apple released for its brand new iPhone 12 reportedly spits in your face and reads, “You’re Gonna Want It Anyway.”
“We just thought, why the hell not?” said Apple’s marketing director Cecilia Anthony. “I mean, people are gonna buy our phones no matter what.
A new study released by the Pew Research Center has found that if you vote once and get the “I Voted” sticker, you never really have to vote again because you already have the sticker.
“Our extensive research has concluded that when you participate in the democratic process for the first time by casting a vote, there’s really no point in voting in any future elections,” said Arnold Hartway, political scientist and lead researcher on the study.
Over the past week, super chill Brown student Roberta Smith has informed multiple friends and classmates that she genuinely doesn’t care about her final exam for that one really intense Political Science class she’s taking, seriously she didn’t even study at all, she promises.
Incoming Brown University freshman Lauren Hobard recently expressed how ready she felt to leave behind immature, petty high school drama and start new, sophisticated college drama.
“I’m just so over high school drama,” Hobard said. “High school was just a bunch of childish gossip and rumors being spread about everybody.
A new study released by the Center for American Progress found that if you post a Snapchat story with a socially conscious filter, you don’t need to vote. In fact, you’ve actually done enough social activism for the rest of your life.
“Researchers have found that posting a Snapchat story with a filter actually critically shapes political outcomes,” Political scientist and theorist John Sanderson remarked.
In a recent interview about the earth’s changing climate, Dr. Henry Carther, environmental scientist and activist, remarked somewhat guiltily that he was just a little bit grateful for global warming on this beautiful, warm, winter day.
“The sun is out and the birds are chirping," Dr.
Freshman David Kline, sitting alone in a central area of the Ratty, was making direct, prolonged eye contact with every person who passed by his table. "I didn’t know if he wanted me to sit with him or something,” mused fellow freshman Katrina Sanders. “Maybe he confused me for someone else? Eventually I just waved at him but he immediately looked away.” After leaving the Ratty, Kline reportedly continued making prolonged eye contact with every person who passed him on the sidewalk.
A recent report put out by researchers at Brown University has verified suspicions that RISD students are 500% cooler than you.
“It’s true,” confirmed lead researcher Dr. Ann-Marie Buegler, “RISD students are just in a completely different league.
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