According to a recent report, there is nothing sexy or mysterious about witness protection if you can’t even tell people you’re in it. “It looked so much cooler in the movies. Being a key witness had such an air of mystique to it. I miss it. This lifestyle is hard. The colored contacts hurt my eyes. And you know, I’m not a natural brunette,” said [REDACTED], coyly tucking her hair behind her ear. “It’s not easy being a city girl who had to move out here to the middle of nowhere.” At press time, [REDACTED] was rifling through a smuggled box of photos from her former life to plant in conspicuous places.

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