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The Brown Noser

Report: Petition Signed 240% More When Petitioner Is Sort of Hot

Published Friday, May 12th, 2023

Sources report that petitions gained an average of 240% more signatures when the person promoting said petition was mildly hot.

“I think the fact that his hair was kinda swoopy and shiny definitely made me care more,” reported sophomore Dana Lowenthal after seeing a moderately hot guy holding a petition. “His eyes were so deep and so brown I couldn’t help but sign it.”

“I’m just glad to be showing my activism to the world,” Lowenthal continued as she frantically tried to stalk his Instagram despite having literally no information about who he is. “Unless the petition was for something bad? In which case, oops!”

At press time, nobody on earth was hot enough to convince passersby to take a copy of the Brown Daily Herald.

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