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The Brown Noser

Report: Robot Doctor Just Calling Iron Lung “Lung”

Published Friday, March 15th, 2024

According to reports from Rhode Island Hospital, one of the attending robot physicians has just been referring to iron lungs as “lungs.”

“When a patient comes in whose life is on the line, we don’t have time for redundancies,” said Robot Doctor Flux Boop, struggling to understand that an iron lung is very different from a regular lung for patients that aren’t made of metal. “We need to cut the fat and say only what’s absolutely necessary when every second counts.”

“Having a hundred terms that all mean the same thing is pointless, and, quite frankly, dangerous in this field,” continued Dr. Boop, unable to comprehend the fact that since humans aren’t made of nuts and bolts, whether they were given a normal lung or an iron lung would have a drastically different effect on long-term health outcomes. “If we all agree all lungs are iron lungs, why do I even need to specify? It makes absolutely no sense to have to label stuff by its material. Absolutely no sense!”

“If we start distinguishing between lungs and iron lungs, next I’ll have to clarify when I need a metal foot instead of just a foot, or a metal arm instead of just an arm. It’s all the same!” added Dr. Boop, whose fundamental misunderstanding of how people are different from robots will pose a clear public safety risk as long as he’s a practicing physician. “Everyone in the medical field always gets so caught up in the little details. Who cares if we’re made of organic mass, orbital waves, or something a little clunky? What matters is who we are and what we are here to do in this world. As physicians, we must rise up to the occasion and truly be up for a challenge when emergencies call.”

At press time, an alien explorer was just calling UFOs “FOs.”

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