Salem resident Sister Agatha would absolutely float in the local well, says Reverend Samuel Parris.
“Oh, she’s lighter than a bag of feathers,” said Parris, summoning a big crowd around the town well to settle this issue once and for all. “There’s no doubt in my mind. Just last week, I caught her reading! Sure, it was the Bible, but still—I know a witch when I see one. I’m sure she even talks to that cat of hers. And unmarried at 20? Lord knows she’s got the devil in mind.”
“Everybody knows a witch floats in a well,” explained Parris, convinced that sister Agatha was far too witch-like to even get her torso underwater. “It’s probably all those lofty ideals they’ve got in their heads, or maybe they’re made of sulfur. Either way, we’re lucky enough to have a well to confirm these evils.”
“You can tell from her witchy eyes and her even witchier diametric opposition to the submission of women,” continued Parris, reasoning that if the well thing didn’t work, he could fall back on seeing if she was fireproof. “Only a witch would be so well-spoken and capable. When she bobs in the well like a duck with that long hair of hers, we’ll know for sure.”
At press time, Sister Agatha sank to the bottom of the well but was definitely faking it.

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