Scientists have determined that snakes would probably be cute if they weren’t a sober reminder of man’s original sin against God. “Ultimately, we couldn’t ignore the fact that, while snakes may have a tiny little tongue and small beans for eyes, they can never be cute because they are a constant reminder of man’s failures,” explained Dr. Fitzwilder, a renowned animal appearance expert who’s been exploring this question for years. “We took into account that some snakes were exceptionally baby-sized and loveable, but our researchers began to hate themselves when they ruminated on the crushing weight of transgressions against the Lord.” At press time, Fitzwilder’s researchers were turned off of apples for the same reason.

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