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The Brown Noser

Report: Students Excited For Return To In-Person Loneliness

Published Friday, September 25th, 2020

Undergraduates returning to Providence for the fall semester are excited for a return to in-person loneliness, a new poll has found.

A full 80% of students polled were “very excited” that they would be able to be isolated in a different city. Additionally, nearly 75% of respondents said that they preferred the crippling loneliness they experienced at school to the crippling loneliness they experienced at home.

“I don’t know, there’s something special about it,” said junior Tommy Dowd, tacking a lone poster to his closet door. “You’ll still be sitting there, staring at a wall, wondering where all the joy in the world has gone, but you’re staring at a Providence wall. It’s an important distinction.”

“At home, I have to miss my friends from hundreds of miles away,” said senior Maya Keyes, stepping over the rusty nail in her bedroom floor. “But now, I can miss my friends from a few blocks away. You see the difference?”

At press time, students were also thrilled for a return to face-to-face awkwardness.

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