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A new peer-reviewed study from Lehigh University recently reported that you’ll never make it in this business with those freckles, sweetheart.
“You’ve got dynamite gams, sugar,” reported the research team, whose work appeared in this month’s issue of Science Quarterly. “But unless you slap a hell of a lot of greasepaint on whatever’s going on around your cheeks, not a talent scout in this whole city will take a second look at you.”
The research expanded into related areas, theorizing that you might be able to hide those suckers for a while with some cold cream, but the front row’s always gonna know, dollface. “You can’t fool the front row,” wrote the team at Lehigh, going on to conclude that, “You might as well quit the trade now, ’cause the last time anyone whistled at a freckled dame was twenty years ago last Tuesday, cupcake.”
The paper cited a number of other influential scholarly articles, including a well-known 2013 study from DePauw University that demonstrated conclusively that there’s no room for you in the second act if you’re a redhead, angel. We already had three redheads tonight, and you know what they say.
At press time, the Lehigh research team presented compelling evidence that you gotta curl your hair tighter, sweetheart, or you’re just wasting everybody’s time.
